Disclaimer:  Gosh, y’all.  I wrote this late into the night last night while I was trying to watch the Oscars.  After reading it again this morning, please know that I am a flake, and I’m warning that if you read any further you will either be bored to tears, scared, or think…hmm, Lulu’s really grasping at straws for a story today, because what’s the point?  So, that’s my disclaimer.

Man Abducted By Aliens; Found Alive in Pool Hall

Yeah, well, kind of.  Let me explain.  

Late last week, Big H (wife of my step-brother, Phoo, who by the way, is not in any way “Big”) asked if GR and I wanted to hang out on Saturday night.  Here’s our conversation.  Or something like it. 

• Big H:  So, is GR interested in leaving the compound this weekend?

• Me:  Hmm…depends on his state of boredom.  I’ll have to check.

• Big H:  Do you think there’s any chance of him going to 5 Seasons Brewing in Roswell?

• Me:  Eh, doubtful.  Roswell, Georgia may as well be Roswell, New Mexico as far as GR is concerned. 

• Big H:  *sigh*

• Me:  You know, because he might have to come into contact with people in Roswell.  And maybe some aliens.

• Big H:  Whatever.  Why don’t you just tell him that we’re going to some local place to get pizza, and we’ll take him to 5 Seasons instead?

• Me:  You mean like an abduction?  Because I’m all up for that.

And so begins the abduction.  Although truthfully, it’s almost impossible to go through with an all-out abduction of GR.  And mainly because 5 Seasons Brewing is a bit on the upscale side of things (as opposed to the regular taco hut or hot wings cafe that GR is accustomed to), and it’s imperative that I deliver my “be-on-your-best-behavior-because-we’re-going-to-a-fancy-pants-kind-of-restaurant” speech to GR before we go anywhere like this.  Otherwise, he’ll end up eating off someone else’s plate or forgetting to use the silverware.  So, against my better judgment, we take GR to a restaurant beyond the borders of his comfort zone. 

And before my weak attempt at explaining the abduction to which I’m referring, here’s a picture of me, Phoo, and Big H all happy that we are not at home eating meatloaf.  And we’re standing beside…an alien?

And here we are having dinner.  Aren’t we all pretty?

So, after we get through with dinner, GR must smoke.  Because God forbid the man goes a few minutes without a cigarette.  But, it’s a habit of which he is not proud, and he often threatens that he’s this close to quitting.  But for now, GR must smoke, so off he goes to the little bar at the front of the restaurant to commiserate with similar creatures of bad habits and other such maladies. 

And after 20 minutes, GR has not returned.  Big H and Phoo become concerned.  Has he truly been abducted?  The waiter also becomes concerned and offers us dessert.  I order bread pudding, because I, too, am concerned.  And bread pudding is a form of hot-buttered bread, right? 

So, after I order, I go on a search to the Land of Smoke and Malady to find out what happened to GR.  And I find him there…with people.  From Roswell.  Of whom he is supposedly scared.  And he’s clutching a pool cue.  And here is our conversation.

• Me:  What are you doing?
• GR:  Um, smoking a cigarette.
• Me:  Why do you have a pool cue in your hand?
• GR:  Um, I’m shooting pool?
• Me:  <evil death glare>  We just ordered dessert. 
• GR:  Hmm.
• Me:  Can you please come back to the table, oh rude one?  I see that this game is almost over.
• GR:  Okay.  But there might be a tie-breaker.
• Me:  What?
• GR:  There…might…be…a tie-breaker?
• Me:  <mumbling> Oh, they’ll be a tie-breaker, alright.

So, I beamed GR to the mothership (our car) and propeled him back to the planet from which he came (the compound).  That is, after I ate my hot-buttered bread pudding. 

And that, people, is my feabled attempt at recapping our weekend outing.  

But, I’ll leave you with this little tidbit of information.  If you go to 5 Seasons and sit in the biergarten area, be sure to request a table beside the precious fountain.  Because there’s nothing cuter than watching a little cherub pee while you eat.  And he’s wearing a glittery bow.  Nice and fancy-pants, huh?