Okay, so I jest with the title of this post.  As you know, I drove my grandparents from Florida to Georgia on Monday.  And as I mentioned, their hearing has collectively deteriorated over the years.  And I love my grandparents dearly, but seriously?  If you were in the same car with them for 9 1/2 hours on Monday, you would be a bit cynical as well.  I felt as if I was reliving (over and over again) the episode of Sesame Street with Bert and Ernie in which they have the following conversation.  

• Bert: Hey, Ernie? Hey, uh, Ern?
• Ernie: (notices that Bert is here) Oh! Hi, Bert!
• Bert: Uh, yeah. Hey, Ernie, uh, you know that you have a banana in your ear?
• Ernie: (Loudly) What was that, Bert?
• Bert: I said, you have a banana in your ear, Ernie.  Bananas are food, they are to eat, but not to put in your ear, Ernie.
• Ernie: (Very loud) Whaddya say, Bert?
• Bert: (Yelling) WILL YOU JUST TAKE THAT BANANA OUTTA YOUR EAR!
• Ernie: (Yelling back) I’M SORRY, BERT, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER!  I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I HAVE A BANANA IN MY EAR!

So, my intent was to insert the YouTube video of that skit here, but the video is no longer on file (figures), so you’ll just have to click here to get the full effect.  Watch that little clip over and over about 13,000 times, and you’ll get my drift, people.

Bless their hearts.  My grandfather’s hearing is the worst that it’s ever been, and you seriously have to SCREAM whatever it is that you want to say to him.  And most times, he still can’t hear you.  Even though he wears a hearing aid—from circa 1977.   Stubborn resistance is all that I can say.

Which brings me to my grandmother.  I believe that her hearing has suffered due to the constant yelling and the concert-level volume of the television.  However, she refuses to accept that her hearing is going to the wayside, and the mere mention of a hearing aid sends her into a tizzy.  So, my grandparents participate in a perpetual screaming match in which they both get frustrated with each other because one can’t hear what the other says or whatever is said is often times misinterpreted. 

And here’s a picture of the sweet souls…

So, as I was driving home on Monday, I was trying to make mental notes of the little conversations that they were having.  Just visualize me driving, my grandfather (Dukester) sitting in the front seat with me, and my grandmother (Nanny) sitting in the backseat.  And here’s a few samplings of their conversations…

• Nanny:  Honey, do you want something to drank?  (yes, she says “drank” instead of “drink”)
• Dukester:  <humming and oblivious>
• Nanny:  HONEY, do you want something to drank?
• Dukester:  What did you say, baby?
• Nanny:  I SAID, DO YOU WANT SOME MOUNTAIN DEW?
• Dukester:  Some what?
• Nanny:  MOUNTAIN DEW.  I SAID DO YOU WANT SOME MOUNTAIN DEW.
• Dukester:  Oh, no, baby.  I’m fine.
• Nanny:  WHAT?
• Dukester:  BABY, I SAID NO!

*******

• Nanny:  Honey, are you hungry?  Do you want a cracker?
• Dukester:  <Zzzzzz>
• Nanny:  Honey, DO YOU WANT A CRACKER?
• Dukester:  Huh?  Wha?
• Nanny:  I SAID, DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?
• Dukester:  Sure, doll.  I’ll take a water.
• Nanny:  HERE…<hands him a cracker>

*******

• Nanny:  Honey, do you have to go to the bathroom?
• Dukester:  <Zzzzz>
• Nanny:  HONEY, DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?
• Dukester:  <Zzzzz>
• Nanny:  Shhhttt.  HONEY?  HONEY!  (Shhttt is a sound that my grandmother makes when she’s frustrated, which is just a shortened version of “shit.”  But because she won’t say “shit,” she just says Shhh and adds a ‘t’ on the end of it.  And says it really fast.)
• Dukester:  Huh?  Wha?
• Nanny:  HONEY, PUT YOUR SHOES ON.  WE’RE STOPPING TO USE THE BATHROOM.
• Dukester:  Okay, baby.  I heard you the first time!

Y’all, I could seriously go on for hours.  Again—bless their hearts.  I love them dearly, and I know that it must be awful to lose your hearing.  But they are both stubborn and refuse to buy hearing aids!  What can you do?  I said, WHAT CAN YOU DO?  

In the meantime, I’ll just prepare myself for the trip back to Florida in July.  Hmm…maybe this time I’ll just stick a banana in my ear and play along.