I admit it.  Every molar in my mouth has been filled with mercury (amalgam), y’all.  That’s what they used to fill cavities with back in the old days, you know.  And I’m quite sure that I’ve been poisoned by the toxic material in some way.  Apparently, there might be a link between mecury fillings and Alzheimer’s Disease, which would of course explain the problem with my memory as discussed here.

And, if the following is true…

Low grade chronic mercury intoxication can give rise to symptoms as; anxiety, irritability, fatigue, outbursts of temper, stress intolerance, decreased simultaneous capacity, loss of self-confidence, indecision, headache, depression, metallic taste, etc…

…then my days are obviously numbered, because damn it—I’ve got all the symptoms.  And this is totally not my fault, people.  I lay full blame on my dad.  Yes, Dad.  I mean YOU.  And maybe Willy Wonka.  

You see, growing up, my dad was a USSSA slow-pitch softball umpire and area director for the county in which we lived.  Most of my young life and teenage years were spent at softball fields and parks keeping score for softball games and working in concession stands.  It was there that I developed my addiction to confectioneries made by the devilish Willy Wonka and other like-minded cavity conspirators.  Which resulted in the dentist drilling mercury into my teeth.  And all that I can say to that is—Golden Ticket, my ass, Mr. Wonka.  Howz-about a mouth full of silver poison instead?

So, in honor of my kindred spirit, Violet Beauregarde, I will list thirteen of my favorite teeth-rotting candies.

1.  Chewy Sprees.  Never ask me to share a roll of Chewy Sprees.  Never.

2.  Fun Dip.  My favorite thing about Fun Dip is the sugary, white dipping sticks that come in the pack.  And seriously?  What genius thought of dipping sugar in sugar?

3.  Gummy Lifesavers.  Thank you, Rach, for keeping these stocked at your house.  Of course, I ate all that you had on Monday night, so you’ll need to buy more.  Nothing like a pushy, free-loading neighbor, huh?

4.  Pixy Stix.  The extra large ones, of course.  Now move along, people.  Nothin’ to see here but a pure sugar adrenaline rush.

5.  Laffy Taffy.  Mmm-mmm good.  And chewy.

6.  Runts.  I just love the little banana shapes!

7.  Charms Blow Pops.  A sucker with a chewy surprise in the middle.  What could possibly be better, y’all?

8.  Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts.  The pink one is my favorite.

9.  Bottle Caps.  I steal these off my co-worker’s desk all the time when he’s not looking.  He’s so nice to keep Bottle Caps on his desk.  I think that he secretly has a crush on me and uses candy as bait.  I don’t particularly care for the root beer flavor, though, so take THAT guy-who-secretly-has-a-crush-on-me!

10.  Twizzlers.  I can’t even think about going to the movie theater without buying some of these.  Along with a two-pound bag of popcorn and a super-freak-size Coke Icy.

11.  Bit-o-Honey.  I’m surprised that I haven’t pulled all the mercury from my teeth eating these.  Now there’s an idea.  I think that I just cured myself from Alzheimer’s.

12.  Gobstoppers.  I seriously once chipped my molar on one of these babies.  My dentist loves me.

13.  Lollies.  These were a real staple of concession stands everywhere.  And I’m not sure of the real name, but I like to call them lollies.  And don’t even try to tell me anything different, cuz them will be fightin’ words.

So, now I leave you with the words of the oh-so-frightening Oompa-Loompas.  I think that they are singing to me…

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?

I don’t like the look of it.

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Aside:  The comments link is at the top of the post, y’all.

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