Aside:  This really started out being a post about the obsession that my banana-in-the-ear-grandparents have with their mail and the US postal service, but it turned into a post about my obsession with my mailbox.  I’ll save the entertaining grandparents story for next time.  Instead, I’ll now bore you with this sordid tale.

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I really despise visiting my mailbox.  Granted, it’s only a short walk down the driveway from my house to the mailbox.  See…

(Please disregard the trash can at the street and the random pieces of trash on the lawn)

But to me, visiting the mailbox is on par with having a conversation with my husband, GR, about, well, most anything.  I just know that whatever is in there is going to suck the life right out of me.  Or require mounds of hot-buttered bread.  Therefore, I normally let the mail pile up in the mailbox for several days before I saunter down the driveway, unlock the box, and watch the mail tumble out onto the road in a fit of rage and freedom. 

But, besides the fact that the mailbox contains mostly bills and the random fake-out check, I have many other reasons for hating my mailbox.  So, listen up, people!  Don’t be snoozing on me yet! 

First of all, here’s my mailbox…

Minus the bird doody, it’s nice and cute, huh?  Well, think again as I list my thirteen reasons for hating it.

1.  The mailbox is not so nice and cute when you’re mandated by the HOA to keep this same mailbox forever and ever, amen.  Keep reading…

2.  You need a key to unlock the mailbox.  This people?  Is a joke.  If a thief wants to take the mail, all that they have to do is stick their theiving little arm into the the beautiful brass mail flapper (or whatever you want to call it) and take the mail.  I sometimes leave mine unlocked in hopes that my bills will be stolen.  See the lock…

See a thieving little arm taking the mail…

3.  You cannot send outgoing mail from the mailbox.  There is no outbox.  There’s not even a flag. 

4.  This type of mailbox tends to tip over for no apparent reason and break into thousands of tiny little pieces.  It’s quite top-heavy, you see.  You know, with all the bills and whatnot. 

5.  When the mailbox tips over and breaks into thousands of tiny little pieces for no apparent reason, you must purchase another one at a whopping $300 because…

6.  …the HOA sadists have mandated that we must have this mailbox, and they don’t care that the boxes tip over for no apparent reason or that they cost $300 to replace.  Give us another freaking mailbox option, HOA!  I’ve asked, trust me.

7.  You are not allowed to duct tape your mailbox in any way if it so happens to fall over and miraculously not break into thousands of tiny little pieces.  We tried the duct tape, ‘cuz we’re just classy people that way.  However, the HOA did not like it or us.  So, now we’re stuck with a mailbox that looks like this because the duct tape did some grand damage.  Did you know that duct tape will take off warts?  I personally thought that the duct tape added a nice touch…

8.  It’s nearly impossible to plant cute little flowers or even put pavers around the mailbox because of the hunk of concrete that the mailbox is supposedly attached to forever and ever, amen.  In the picture above, the grass covers the concrete nicely.  However, the concrete obviously serves little purpose, as the point of contention and mayhem is not the rectangular base that is screwed into the concrete.  It’s the cap (and everything above it) that sits precariously on top of the base that’s the problem.  But what do I know?  I’m just a girl…

9.  Ants.  They get into the mailbox and crawl all over the mail.  I’m hoping that they’ll start eating the bills.

10.  Birds.  They get their heads stuck in the beautiful brass mailbox flappers.  I swear that I took part in a rescue mission that involved a bird that tried to take a nosedive into one of these mailboxes.

11.  Rain.  If it rains, I’m guaranteed to have something important like a check or a book or something fancy that I’m waiting on sitting in the mailbox.  And because the beautfiul brass mailbox flapper does not close all the way (hence the nosediving birds), the rain will pour into the mailbox and ruin whatever may be in there.  Well, everything but the junk mail.  And the ants.

12.  No matter if they’ve been knocked over or not, all of the mailboxes in the neighborhood lean.  Even though ours (known as the Leaning Tower of Postage and Hate) has been pieced back together more than once, this is what they all pretty much look like…

13.  Did I mention that our HOA are sadists?  I’m thinking of replacing my mailbox with one of these…

And that’s my Thursday Thirteen, y’all.  So don’t be sending me any mail.

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