I’ve hit the pinnacle of being a gossipy b-yatch, y’all. 

Well, I’m not really sure if what I did falls into the gossipy category, per se.  Nicely put, it was more like making a vocally flagrant observation about someone in a not so flattering manner—while said someone was within ear shot of the flagrant observation.  I’ve been busted.  And I would be dreadfully ashamed if only I could stop laughing at my stupidity.  It’s just wrong on so many levels.

Let me preface this story by stating that prior to Sunday,
I never really thought of myself as a mean-spirited person. 
I would never intentionally hurt someone’s feelings.  Never.  In fact, I go out of my way sometimes to make people feel special.  However, after Sunday’s incident (which I will henceforth call Dentalgate) I am forced to reevaluate my inner being.  I might even consider shunning myself from the public at large.  It’s that bad.

Now, in order for me to tell this story of embarrassment and shame, I must give you some background information.  On Sunday, my grandmother turned 86, and my ginormous (that’s a new word, ya know) extended family attended a birthday party for her at my uncle’s house.  And in attendance at this party was my grandmother’s nephew (we’ll just call him Fred) and his wife, Willamina—the victim of my flagrant observation and abuse.

Now, I must state some obvious facts about Willamina before I go any further.  And truly, these are facts—not gossipy dribble.  Well, maybe a little dribble…

• She and her husband, Fred, attend two of our family gatherings every year—my grandmother’s birthday party and our Christmas lunch.  Fact.
• At these family gatherings, Willamina never parts with her purse.  She carries it everywhere and never lets it leave her sight.  Fact.
• She brings her own food and her own fork.  You heard me right…I said a fork, people.  Fact.
• She has worn a full set of braces on her teeth for the past 5 years.  Fact.
• She is 60-something years old.  Fact.
• She shot herself in the foot with her own handgun.  Fact.
• She sometimes talks about her husband’s “tinkie-wink” (her words, not mine).  Fact.
• She attempted to make a pass at my father at a family gathering many years ago.  Oh, yeah.  Fact.

So, I think that’s enough background about Willamina.  Back to my anguished story… 

As the birthday party was winding down and some of the extended families were starting to leave, a couple of my aunts, my sister, and some cousins gathered in the kitchen keeping-room to gossip talk.  And, as you can see below, I have many aunts and cousins, which I have also written about here.

So, we were sitting around talking and laughing for a good while, when my uncle came in and made a remark about one of the extended family members that had just left.  Nothing mean…just funny. 

And that’s when the observation about Willamina formed in my head.  An observation that quickly moved from my head, down to my lips, and spewed out of my mouth like hot molten lava ready to destroy everything in it’s wake.  Hot molten lava with a very high-pitched, scream-y voice (which mysteriously sounded like my grandmother) that said…

AND I WANT TO KNOW WHEN WILLAMINA IS GOING TO HAVE THOSE BRACES TAKEN OFF!  SHE’S HAD THEM ON FOR FIVE YEARS NOW! 

And at the exact moment when the vehement words came out of my mouth?  Willamina, who supposedly left 30 minutes prior, came sauntering into the kitchen.  With her purse and fork in tow. 

From that point on, it’s pretty much a blur to me.  I may have fainted for a brief moment.  The last thing I remember is that my Uncle
G-Money tried to quickly divert the attention by loudly telling my Aunt Tee that her breasts were about to come out of her blouse.  And then he ran out of the room.  

Y’all, it was all just a travesty to behold.  And shortly after my Uncle G-Money high-tailed it out of the room, I was flapping my chicken wings right behind him.  And from what I’m told (because I was hiding in fear and shame in the basement like a 5-year old with my cousin Chuckles and Toodles), Willamina took it all in stride.  

And now I’ll be a wreck for the next 5 months because I’ll have to face Willamina at the Christmas lunch where she’ll probably take it upon herself to stab me with her personal fork.  And rightfully so.  That is, if I ever leave my house again.