Obviously, I’ve been out of the baby loop for a long time now.  When Gus was born 18 years ago, the variety of baby items seemed to be less in quantity and a bit simpler in function than what is offered today.  This weekend I was shopping at “the” baby megastore for a gift for my cousin’s new baby boy, and I was amazed at the multitude of what I thought were unnecessary items—baby carriages (not your traditional stroller), bottle warmers, baby wipe warmers, the Diaper Genie, shoes for newborns, and the list goes on.

It’s just crazy what new parents will spend their money on in anticipation of their little bundle of joy and poop.  And most likely, it’s first-time parents who buy into some of these gimmicks, because once you’ve had your first experience with a newborn, you find that their needs and routine are pretty basic—cry, eat, poop, change, sleep, repeat.  In fact, Consumer Reports has come up with a newborn necessities checklist to steer these unbeknownst parents in the direction of simplicity and practicality.

Anyhow, as I was perusing down the many confusing aisles of “the” baby megastore looking for a gift, I came across an item that caused me to stop, shake my head, and then finally keel over in a tiny fit of muffled laughter. 

I’d like to introduce you to the newest superhero of our times–
Wee-Wee Man the Weeblocker.

Wee-Wee Man is a superhero of many talents and abilities.  And I know this because when I returned home from said baby megastore, I searched for an official list of what it takes to become a superhero, and I believe that Wee-Wee Man has passed with flying colors.  Or perhaps projectile piss.  Nevertheless, here’s the superhero checklist:

• Extraordinary powers and abilities, relevant skills, and/or advanced equipment.

As a baby, Wee-Wee Man has the ability to projectile urinate in his mother’s face during a diaper changing; as a man, he has the ability to projectile urinate on and around the toilet lid and on outdoor plants.  The “advanced equipment” is questionable.

• Many superhero characters supplement their natural powers with a special weapon or device.

Wee-Wee Man’s natural powers do not need to be supplemented until he gets older, at which time he uses a device called Cialis.

• A strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one’s own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. Such a code often includes a refusal or strong reluctance to kill or wield weapons.

Wee-Wee Man retains his strong moral code until he reaches manhood, at which time the refusal or reluctance to wield his weapon diminishes greatly.

• Most superheroes use a descriptive or metaphoric code name for their public deeds.

Wee-Wee Man calls his public deed “a mad wizz.”

• A distinctive costume, often used to conceal the secret identity.

The Weeblock.  Available at all baby megastore outlets.

• An underlying motif or theme that affects the hero’s name, costume, personal effects, and other aspects of his or her character (e.g., Batman resembles a large bat, calls his specialized automobile, which also looks bat-like, the “Batmobile” and uses several devices given a “bat” prefix).

Wee-Wee Man sometimes resembles or acts like his “special weapon,” he calls his “special weapon” by a distinctive name, and he uses several devices given a “dick” prefix.

• A supporting cast of recurring characters, including the hero’s friends, co-workers and/or love interests, who may or may not know of the superhero’s secret identity. Often the hero’s personal relationships are complicated by this dual life, a common theme in Spider-Man and Batman stories in particular.

Wee-Wee Man is a male whore.

• A number of enemies that he/she fights repeatedly, including an archenemy who is more troubling than the others. Often a nemesis is a superhero’s doppelganger or foil.

Wee-Wee Man’s ego is oftentimes shattered by other Superhero men of “bigger” stature.

• A headquarters or base of operations, usually kept hidden from the general public (e.g., Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, Batman’s Batcave).

Wee-Wee Man’s Diaper is his base of operations as a baby, and Wee-Wee Man’s Whitie-Tighties is his headquarters as a man.

• An “origin story” that explains the circumstances by which the character acquired his or her abilities. Many origin stories involve tragic elements and/or freak accidents that result in the development of the hero’s abilities.

Momma got very drunk and very pregnant.

So, I think that just about makes it official.  Wee-Wee Man is truly a superhero.

And if you want to know if I actually bought into this Weeblock gimmick…well, I’ll never tell.  But I will say that my cousin will certainly keep a dry face.