My new motto: Eat Right, Exercise Regularly, Die Anyway.
Y’all, Lulu’s body is failing her. I can feel it in my 37-year old bones. So, during my loooong blogging break, I decided to spend an ungodly number of hours in doctor’s offices taking care of many annual visits related to various parts of my anatomy—from my eyes all the way down to my toes. And let me just say, being poked, prodded, and evaluated while wearing various medical accoutrements (i.e. paper gown, lead apron, protective goggles, etc.) is not my idea of a good time. In fact, it pretty much sucks.
But, what sucks even worse is finding out that you have various issues or illnesses that may or may not be life threatening, or that may or may not be hereditary. No, I’m not dying. Well, not today anyway (unless, of course, I get hit by a Mack truck on my way home from the office). But, I do have a couple of health issues that I need to take care of lest they turn life threatening.
I have a cavity—which I must have filled, or else my tooth will rot and fall out, in which case you can just call me The Toothless Wonder. Unfortunately, filling a tooth involves a needle (Big H, do not read any further, lest you pass out) and many, many doses of Novocain, which generally doesn’t work for me, so I end up throwing up in my car on the way home due to the high level of toxic chemicals in my body. It’s funny how my gums go numb after a couple of beers, but they refuse to cooperate with Novocain.
I have high cholesterol—which I must find a way to control, unless I choose to die of heart disease much like most of my dad’s family. It’s obviously hereditary. I mean, I’m not exactly obese, although I could stand to lose a good 10-15 pounds, and I do try to eat healthy. I’m hoping that exercise and oatmeal and bottles of red, red wine is the key, but I’ll find out in 6 months when I go back for a recheck to determine whether or not I need to go on medication. In the meantime, I’m scheduled for an echocardiogram so that the doctor can evaluate my freaking heart murmur.
I have a staph infection…in my nose. Yes, I said in my NOSE, people. And I’m not exactly sure how I contracted it, considering I don’t spend my leisure time in hospital corridors, on airplanes, or touching old people. It’s kind of baffling to the doctor, but it’s there. And you want to know how the doc found out it was there? Take a look at this excruciating, painful, harrowing procedure:
Gently through the nostril, my ass! Even the illustrated man looks like he’s in pain.
I went to the ENT to ask about my allergies, and walked away having an XXL Q-tip shoved into my sinus cavity, a CT scan, a deviated septum, and finding out that at some point in my life, I broke my nose. Now, I’m taking Clindamycin HCL, which is a serious antibiotic that might cause me to develop an inflamed colon at some point in my life. Nice.
So, there you have it, people. Lulu is a poor, sickly soul. If my weak, trembling fingers allow me to type tomorrow, I will tell you about my upcoming trip to Philadelphia. And cholesterol be damned…I’m eating a Philly Cheese Steak!
I have high cholesterol, too! But no one else in my family has it. This is no surprise since I am the first generation who does not eat fish for every meal. Turns out NOT being dirt poor has been bad for my health. Who knew?
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Sounds horrendous! If I go to the doctor will he/she find all sorts of things wrong with me too? Maybe I’d better not try it…
By the way, welcome back!
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Lulu, you may not want to hear this, but this post has cracked me up. While I was counting your ailments and potential ailments, I couldn’t help but be amused by your very descriptive wording. Hey, if you’re sick you might as well laugh about it, ah? No, feel better and take care.
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Oh Lulu – you sound like you need a margarita!
hahaha the title just keeps cracking me up. You could have just posted that. I’m easily amused, and easy to please. Just don’t ask Sweetness… he doesn’t know what he is talking about!
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Good lord, woman! Stay out of the doctor’s office!
And omg, that swab thingie looks horrible.
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I feel your pain. I too, have had the unfortunate experience of Staph-in-the-nose. Mine occurred in High School…and I felt I lost every shred of dignity explaining why,how,when I developed it to every questioning classmate. Curse you teenage awkwardness!
But the great news…it’ll all pass…and you will eventually feel better than ever…again.
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You’re right! that guy does look like he’s in pain! ack!!
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They didn’t give you any beer before that sinus-swabbing thingy? They have a lot to learn about patient comfort care.
Mmmmm…red wine and Philly Cheesesteaks.
And ewww….
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You aren’t helping me look forward to my 37th birthday this summer.
I have the same belief about exercising, you are going to die no matter how good you eat or how much you exercise, so you may as well enjoy life first.
Well…all in all it’s a good thing. I need to go to the whoha doctor to get my bewbies squeezed (for the first time, he’s I’m 41, I know) and my vuhjayjay prodded..
I’ve been to the eye doc and dentist..and I’m getting my ankle looked at next Wed..which is good cause if god forbid I need something like surgery or a boot I can get it taken care of before my hilton head vaca.
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Ahhhh…Lulu….it was good to know you.
I think a couple of beers prior to your dental appointment would be appropriate and would save you money! If it numbs your gums and the drugs they have don’t do the trick, then they can cut that part out and not bill you for it! Right? Right! Self-medication for everyone! WOOOOO!
Staph in your nose? Hmmmmm….where have you been sticking your nose if not on old people, hospital corridors, and airplanes? Seriously, where?????
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Not Philly steak, nooooooo!!!
Hilarious post. Hope that staph clears soon … ugh.
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LOVE this title! And, how true is that huh? Sigh. It’s a great motto – and imagine the peace it will bring you – PLUS, less swearing.
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Hi Karen MEG! Thanks for stopping by…and thanks for the well wishes!
Hi Ann! I don’t know about the less swearing part, but maybe it will bring me a little peace!
Thanks for stopping by!
Lulu, I’m sorry to hear about your ailments!
And it certainly doesn’t give you the warm fuzzies (like the end of a q-tip stuffed into your nasal passage) when the doctor is baffled. But I hope the treatment/meds are doing the trick.
Hugs to you.
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